It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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