So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
