you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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