I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
