I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
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