Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
