so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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