so explain again why im purple
no
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
