i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
even my farts smell like vagina
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
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