If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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