maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Randomize
