I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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