My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
