it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
