i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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