he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
she looked like the before picture.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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