dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
