Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I need to stop coming to work sober
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
