He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
