rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
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