I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
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