Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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