Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
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