just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
