Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Threesome in a minivan. New low
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
