Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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