I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
420 ftw
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
