I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
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