My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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