There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
