This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Randomize
