Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
