So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
