Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
