the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Randomize
