We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
