I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
We need to rekindle our bromance
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
