Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
