I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
