smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
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