my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
