I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Randomize
