I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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