I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
