a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Randomize
