Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
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