so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
