Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Randomize
