so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
