I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
