mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Where is the hickey?
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
